I had my follow up oncology appointment last Monday. I must admit - my Onc has a way of talking to me that gets me to let go of any of reservations I have about further treatment and just "try" things. "If something were to manifest itself in a few years down the road, you don't want to wish there was a pill you could have taken to have prevented it" she says. Did you see that? There it goes -- all my gusto about not taking Tamoxifen. Fine, I tell myself, I'll try it. See how it goes. Who knows - chemo wasn't nearly as bad as we were expecting. Maybe I won't have any seriously noticeable side effects on Tamoxifen. We'll just have to see. And in the end, I can say I did try everything advised to me - I did everything I was suppose to do to prevent a metastasis in the future. And if a metastasis happens to present itself - well hell - then it was suppose to. I don't know any other way to look at it.
This Thursday I'll be 5 weeks from my last infusion. I feel good - as close to normal as possible. Things taste good. I'm happy about that. I'm starting to notice other - things. Sometimes it feels like I have swelling or fluid retention around my knees. Sometimes I feel like I could just break down crying. It's overwhelming and it's very strange for me. Yesterday Mike and I were in the grocery store and I was just suddenly sad. I could have broke into tears right then and there in the produce section - for no reason at all. Mike asked me what was wrong - he could see it on my face - he saw my mood switch - and I just asked him to ignore it and I tried to talk through it - keep shopping. By the time we checked out I was better. I didn't feel as debilitatingly sad. Instead I was concerned. I'm very much a level headed, emotionally stable person and to feel suddenly sad like that - is off putting. I don't like not being in control of myself.
Another thing I've noticed is my nails. I have white lines throughout my nail bed - almost as if you could count on them - 1 chemo, 2 chemo ...
I really think in a few weeks I'll see the third ring. Not sure if there will be a fourth though. I'll have to watch. They're bumpy as well - dented. The most noticeable dent seems like it is between what was healthy and what as after the first chemo. It's very distinctive. My guess is this is all from the "attacks rapidly dividing cells" thing. And then, as the drugs finished their job, my nails returned to their normal growing state for the brief intermission between infusions.
Mike said today that it looks like my hair is starting to come back. I told him not to tease me. He said my head looks darker - it must be coming back. I'm not going to get excited until I can pull it.