I've had two cycles since we started "not, not trying." I didn't expect it to happen right away ... but I can't deny that I didn't hope. I mean, there's always that small part of me that is the eternal optimist regardless of how much science and fact I give myself. It's hard to reverse the consequence of being told that "it only takes that one time you don't use protection" so - in that sense - it's really not that hard to believe that I was optimistic somewhere deep down. A little illogical, maybe ... but ... you never know. And all I've ever needed was a small chance to hang my optimisim on.

It's like steps -- and so far it's two steps closer to my breaking point where I say, "OK - let's go to the fertility doc and see what's up." But then thinking about actually going - brings on more anxiety because then the fact that something might be wrong, is even more real. Right now, it's a true unknown. It's funny that I can be the ever optimist but when it comes down to facing the fertility doc, I have fear. I lose my optimistic conviction.

And I think it's contaigous. I'm trying not to let it get to me, trying to stay optimistic, but I think it's getting to Mike as well. He shared his growing anxiety with me over the weekend, and the last thing I want is for him to be worried too. But that' him. He loves me and he knows how important this is to me - so naturally he's going to be worried too. Depsite my efforts to tell him to let me worry about it - he can't. And that's why I want a family with him. He wants me to be happy.


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