Denial

So I woke up today after getting some decent sleep last night - feeling better. Let me preface it by saying that for the last I don't know how many nights in a row I've been woken up at 3 am like clockwork. If it wasn't Camden being creepy and sneaking in our room at this hour and literally just standing at the edge of the bed staring at me to wake me up and wanting to crawl in bed with us, it was Haley whining to be let out at this hour or it was me waking up to a hot flash and kicking the covers off. Each time it was a bit hard to get back to sleep - in part I think because I honestly have just been conditioned at this point to wake up at 3 am but also because it's harder now since all this happened to just shut my mind off and go to sleep ... especially when things are just quiet. Last night I woke up at 1:30 am but managed to just fall back asleep until 7:45 am. I'm guessing it was finally just pure exhaustion taking over. Whatever. I'll take it.

But yes. I'm in much better spirits than I was on Friday and through yesterday. I'm still very scared. And I'm still very nervous about the potential of what may come. And now every sensation that I have in or around my head and neck is heightened because I'm hyper aware of it and I can't settle on whether or not it's normal or abnormal and it all makes me think, "is that ...?" ... ugh. Paranoia.

But I'm also very much trying to not let the fear of the unknown steal my present moments. I reminded myself that we don't know anything yet and so because of that - nothing has changed, and thus there's no need to lose right now to worry. We won't know anything until Monday and even then - we still might not have a confirmation. So it's better to just put it all down as much as possible and just live for today. Because again - today - right now - is all that there is.

Easier said (written?) than done. It's quiet now - all are asleep. Even Mike. Which is rare that he falls asleep before I do. And as I sit here typing ... as I go through my nightly routine picking out all my supplements, brushing my teeth ... I wonder what it is that's keeping me together. Is it denial? Is it just plain denial that whatever might be revealed on Monday just doesn't exist. It isn't real? This just isn't happening. It is my only way to keep my mind together - to keep me moving through each day? Perhaps. All I know is that all I can hold on to right now is hope. Blind faith and hope that this whole thing is a misread and an error and just residual from radiation. Because I just honestly can't fathom the alternative right now. I really can't.