Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 45 - Just Us ...

The Jurgens clan left early this morning ... 4 am. I cried when I hugged my sister goodbye and I ran inside.

I don't know why, but each time my family left -- happiness left me too. I feel sad without them here. I'm so thankful I have Mike here by my side -- I couldn't do this without him. And he's doing so well dealing with such a severe mood swing. I don't mean to moody -- I honestly really try to put on a happy face ... and not take out my sadness on him ... but when it's just he and I, it means things are really real. Whenever my family is around, it usually means we're on vacation. It means we're away visiting them ... or they're away visiting us ... but regardless, we're in the comfort and fun of "away." Away means vacation ... a break from reality ... typically no work ... lots of eating out ... lots of not working out ... away from our real lives, for just a few days anyway.

I have a couple weeks before I go back to work. A couple weeks to just be us ... in our new reality. What are we suppose to do in this new reality? I understand coming to grips with all of this is high on the priority list, but does it have to be? Won't we come to grips with it over time regardless if we do so in these few weeks or not? I'd rather spend these few weeks in "away" ...

I know I can't not deal with this forever. I just don't know that I'm ready to deal with it right now. I know I have to ... it's just - unfortunately - knowing that doesn't generate the desire to do so. There's so much still unknown ..... will I ever feel like the implants are mine? Or will I always be aware of them as foreign? I mean, will I ever not think about them? Will I ever be able to just go about my day without the thought of my implants crossing my mind? How "normal" feeling can implants feel? I have a heightened awareness about my body and things that go on with it. I always have. For the most part it's great - it helps me catch things early (i.e. a tumor) - but ... maybe that in-tune-ness will prevent me from feeling normal -- from forgetting, even if for a moment.

Maybe things are just so real right now - maybe I can't see how right now could ever be forgotten - even if for an instant ... a day. Things are too real right now ... and it hasn't even been 24 hours without my sister and her family being here. Hopefully as the days go by over the next few weeks reality will lighten up on me ... or I'll come to accept it a little at a time -- either way ... whatever works. Can we just fast forward to that day?

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