Cutting my hair is - I would say - the second step to accepting chemo, with the first obviously being choosing chemo as my treatment. How many more steps there are in this process I'm not sure, but I knew that I needed to take this one myself, before it was done for me.
Dealing with this is going to be on my terms - my choices - and I won't be dictated to by the doctor's or by side effects or whatever else ... Yes, I didn't have a choice in having cancer, but I certainly have a choice in how to deal with it. And I'm not about to let that go or miss an opportunity to make peace with the process in my own ways.
A little bit of my philosophy, if I may ... everything is a choice. And I mean everything - attitude, mood, emotions, perspective ... lunch - it's all a choice. I know there are things that are beyond our control that dramatically affect how we feel or how we perceive things - and sometimes it's impossible to choose to feel differently when we're involuntarily thrown into experiencing those unwanted emotions or negative perspectives - but that doesn't mean we can't still try.
But why try, right? Try because no one ever wants to feel anything negative. Try because it's your life ... and your life affects all those around you, all the time. I don't mean "be fake" or false or ignore what you're feeling - by no means don't ignore your emotions - but make the effort to put yourself in the state of being that you prefer to be in ... which for most people, is happy. If that effort means finding the silver lining and holding on to that with all your might - do it ... find the positive in the negative ... and if you feel like you can't find the positive ... then at least find a way to accept that which you cannot change ... and make your peace ... and in that peace, I promise - you will feel better and you will feel better because it was your choice.
So for me - my positives (thus far) in this whole experience are 1) I can help others by participating in clinical trials and allowing doctors in training to listen in on my appointments and learn from my case, 2) through this blog, I can help someone out there who is 29 and also recently diagnosed, who is scouring the internet trying to find information that is relevant to her age, and situation, and 3) I can donate my hair to help someone who is in chemo and lost her hair or who's hair never came back after chemo. For me - this whole experience allows me to help the future, the present, and what's already passed .... that's not a bad silver lining.
So why waste good hair? I'm going to lose it anyway so might as well give it to someone who can use it. It makes me happy to help. So here's the new "a-symmetrical do"
And here's the donation that's going off to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. They partner with the American Cancer Society and make real hair wigs and give them, for free, to women who need them.