Day 105 - (Sigh)

I broke down yesterday ... at work ... and drowned my sadness in a philly cheesesteak.

It's been a week since my first chemo infusion and I've already become impatient with the side-effects. I'm beginning to relate to the fibro myalgia commercials. The deep muscle aches in my back are taxing and I need to find something to help. I asked my doctor and she said that unfortunately, the pains don't ever really go away through this. She would be willing to prescribe me something stronger to knock me out, but that it's up to me to determine what I can live with.

I guess I've taken "good health" for granted. I'm rarely with a cold or the flu and I've never had any major injury. I've always felt like I have really strong bones and am usually in overall good health, all the time. I'm not plagued by migraines or imbalance ... I'm pretty much even keeled mentally and emotionally and if I do need a "sick" day, it's usually just because I need a mental health moment and need to re-center myself.

But now - 7 days into this ... I can't fathom living with fatigue or aches like this on a daily basis, for the rest of my life. The fatigue is making me blue ... and the aches are making me nuts. I have a new found respect for people who live their life in constant pain. This phase of treatment is truly challenging my optimistic nature and is making it difficult for me keep things in perspective. It's only 12 weeks ... 11 now actually.

11 weeks is shorter than football season -- it's shorter than 1 quarter of school. It's truly, truly just a blip on the radar. My boss keeps telling me to just keep crossing off the days. I am ... with an emphatic hand.

I'm also keeping a mental list of all the things I want to do when this is over - all the things I want to do when I feel good -- I certainly don't think I'll take my good health for granted again, that's for sure. I know I want to go snowboarding in the spring, and out dancing for my 30th. Hopefully we'll also be able to take another trip someplace warm for our 1st wedding anniversary in April.


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