I'm tired of chemo.
I'm tired of being bald.
I'm tired of being "sick"
I'm tired of being tired.
I'm tired of not feeling like me - of feeling detached from all of me - of feeling so in tune with me -
of watching to see what happens - of not knowing how I'm going to feel tomorrow - of wondering and worrying and hoping ...
It's the fifth day after my second chemo - and just a little while ago ... meaning, a few hours ago - I started to perk up. Friday, the day after chemo, I went in to work and felt fine. I was so pumped on the steroids - I literally wanted to run down the streets of downtown. Can you picture it - look out hot dog guy - there goes the bald headed chemo patient running in heels up and down the streets of downtown Denver because she just got her dose of monthly steroids. It amazes me how much I wanted to exercise - specifically exercise. But I didn't. After my first chemo I got up and worked out, and I think I drove the drugs deeper into my muscle tissue - medically true or not true - I was hurting the following days. But I refrained this go round - and I didn't have any back pain to really speak of over the weekend. But I did have lots of fatigue. I can't remember if I was this tired after the first one too - maybe I was and the back pain just took precedence, but gosh, I was tired. I had enough energy to get out of bed on Monday morning and shower. That was it. I checked in with the office, let them know I wasn't going to make it in - and I crashed for 4 hours, after sleeping all night. I made it in to work today. I felt better, slightly. Better enough to go in anyway.
I told Mike last night that I wanted to go back to our wedding day. I want to go back to just before we knew what was coming down the pipe. Ignorance - in that instance - was bliss. Plus, it was a super fun day.
Each chemo is different -- my doc tells me. This chemo, in addition to the fatigue, I've been queasy. It's borderline queasy however - not enough to make me heave - but enough to make me feel like I'm about to heave. It's like when you eat too much, and you're too full, and you feel like you could heave but you haven't heaved yet. It's that sick feeling that's sitting on a fine edge - that could fall either way. But unlike that feeling coming after eating a delicious meal ... I've had no delicious meal, just the sick feeling. I'd rather have the meal.
My mantra, and lament, is "I'm halfway through" ...
I'm halfway through.