Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 14 - Wait wait wait -- I'm not ready!

"Hi Melissa?"
"Yes."
"This is Jessica, calling from Dr. Aycock's office. I just wanted to confirm your surgery for June 23rd."
"23rd? What happened to the 28th?"

The 23rd? That's not what we planned -- that's not what we talked about. That's not what I've been preparing for. That's 5 days sooner. I'm not ready for 5 days sooner. We have Red Sox tickets for the 24th. I can't go to the game right after surgery. We were suppose to go to the Red Sox game, have a nice weekend, and then go into surgery on Monday - the 28TH. I've been preparing myself for Monday. Mike cleared his work calendar for the week of the 28th. That's what we've been planning on. That's when I would be ready. Now I have to be ready on the 23rd? That makes me anxious. What if I'm not ready on Wednesday?

Before I even hung up with Jessica I started to sweat -- my anxiety started to take over. Poor Jessica. It wasn't her fault. I didn't mean to make her job harder. I just wasn't ready.

There are so many things to take care of. I have to get coverage for work. I need to start my FMLA paperwork. I guess I led myself to believe that with surgery on the 28th, I had time. I had time to let HR know, time to get my paperwork in order, time for pre-op appointments. Time to find my resolve in my decision. I think that's it. I'm not fully invested in my decision. I'm still only 90% sure. That 10% is evading me.

I don't know that that last 10% will ever come. I don't think I will ever know for sure that my decision was the right decision. Because you never know what's going to happen. You can't predict the next thing to come. I want to know that what I'm deciding is what I'm suppose to decide. I want someone to tell me - Yes, that is the correct decision. Confirming my appointment, and confirming it for 5 days sooner no less, makes my decision real. Really real.

The only alternative was July 8th. I certainly can't push surgery back to the 8th of next month. That doesn't sit well. That feels too far. That's giving the tumor an opportunity to spread ... grow ... maybe invade my lymph nodes ... if it hasn't already. By the time I go in for surgery it will be about a month since I've had any tests. Right now, the tests show it's not in my lymph nodes. But what about by the 23rd? Is a month too much time in between tests? Now the 23rd doesn't seem soon enough.

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